No, of course not.
You really only cared about two things, both as American as it gets: meat and potatoes.
(Somewhere, the actor Paul Hogan is calling out, “That’s not a knife!")
Chris Shott/Eat This, Not That!
And who could forget its trademark, deep-fried 1,620-calorie gut bomb Bloomin' Onion?
But, how are the steaks?
Here’s how they compared, ranked in descending order from my least favorite to the absolute best cut.
Chris Shott/Eat This, Not That!
It’s available in two sizes: six and eight ounces.
My eight-ounce filet cost $30.99 and weighed about 6.5 ounces after cooking, according to my digital scale.
Inside, it’s perfectly reddish pink and super juicy.
Chris Shott/Eat This, Not That!
The Taste: Given the filet’smilquetoast reputation, I had fairly low expectations for this cut.
But while its mouthwatering appearance raised my hopes, the flavor was even more bland than I expected.
Not great, mate!
Chris Shott/Eat This, Not That!
This succulent cut traditionally arrives in a light pink color with a darker crust around its edges.
But, in this case, that rain must have turned into a downpour.
The salty, peppery, garlicky flavors were overwhelming.
Chris Shott/Eat This, Not That!
That’s because it’s simply prepared and slowly cooked, meaning it’s usually harder to mess up.
The Look:More like a typical prime rib.
The meat arrived in a striking ruby-red color with a visibly herb-coated crust.
Chris Shott/Eat This, Not That!
The 12-ounce ribeye cost $26.99 and arrived at about 10.3 ounces after searing, according to my scale.
The Look: This slender slab of beef came lightly charred and noticeably fatty around the edges.
It also seemed a little thinner than some of the other steaks, about three-quarters of an inch thick.
Chris Shott/Eat This, Not That!
The slimmer cut perhaps lends itself to more even absorption of the various flavors.
Whatever the reason, it leaves a noticeable aftertaste, much more so than other steaks.
Outback’s center-cut sirloin comes in six-, eight-, and 11-ounce servings.
Chris Shott/Eat This, Not That!
(My amateurish smartphone photo simply doesn’t do it justice.)
Outback treats all of its bone-in steaks differently than the rest.
The 16-ounce bone-in strip cost $29.99 and weighed about 14.5-ounces at the table, per my scale.
Chris Shott/Eat This, Not That!
The whole thing is rich and delicious.
Even the fatty bits are pleasantly melty.
The only real knock on this strip is that it’s the smallest bone-in steak available.
Nonetheless, this hulking steak cost me $36.99, the highest price of any steak I tried.
The Look: As enormous as advertised, with substantial grill marks across its entire surface.
The strip side far outweighs the filet side with a visible T-shaped bone in between.
It’s about the same thickness as the strip, with an equally luscious-looking pink center inside.
Curiously, the filet side also seemed to soak up a little more of the seasoning.
As superficial as that sounds, it’s also the right call.
The restaurant’s signature 18-ounce steak costs $31.99 and is probably worth every penny.
The Look: Curvy and gorgeous, the bony steak is streaked with grill marks and shimmering fat.
Albeit not as thick as the porterhouse or strip, its beautifully pink interior more than compensates.
In fact, it’s hard to find the right words to accurately describe what sets it apart.
